Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Getting Back to Simple

Hello blog world!  It has been quite awhile since I've been around here.  I've missed it!  Life has been so crazy since I lost posted...................and that is really the inspiration for this post today.  I've been crazy busy, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, overwhelmed.  I don't need to list off my "to dos", but we'll just say that it is ridiculous.
So........I've been praying and trying hard to listen to The Lord, hoping He will give me some beautiful insight into the chaos.  Lately He keeps saying "simplify" and when I argued with Him, telling Him that I don't know how, that I don't know what I could possibly let go of, that there is just too much to do, He said, "prioritize".  Uhhhhhh.............yea...................
So in my small group, I facilitated an activity that began to look at priorities and values (mighty convenient that I facilitated and didn't actually do it myself eh?  lol)  Then, yesterday morning, during my quiet time, The Lord patted me on the head and said "my darling daughter, please listen to Me.  Please read Luke 10 with new eyes."  And so I did and I began journaling and inspiration just flowed.
In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus comes to a village and Martha opens her home to him. While Martha is busy cooking and cleaning, her sister Mary is hanging out with Jesus, listening to Him teach. It goes on to say that Martha gets a bit annoyed with her sister for not helping and she goes to Jesus to sort of "tattle" on her. Jesus gently challenges Martha, telling her that Mary has made the wiser choice by hanging out with him.
As I was reading I honestly was feeling sorry for Martha. Maybe it is that part of me that is a little Type A and I could see myself in Martha. I could picture myself doing the same thin
gs - cooking and cleaning up a storm and getting frustrated with my family for not helping me. I mean, the world needs Marthas! I don't mean to say that the Marys of the world are lazy or anything, but really, sometimes we just need go-getter types who get stuff done. Martha opens her home and offers what she has to the Lord! At least Martha lets Mary (via a conversation with Jesus) know what she expects of her. She's not just walking around bitter and resentful, slamming pots and pans, rolling her eyes and sighing loudly, being a victim of her own high standards (not that I would know anything at all about that ;-/). At least Martha knows exactly who to go to when her expectations are not being met. There's no better listener than Jesus! Martha's heart is in the right place .................... sort of.
Here's the thing though: The Lord isn't satisfied with "sort of". He didn't go to Martha's house to eat. I mean, He is the Son of God, and as evidenced by some loaves and fishes (Mark 8), He pretty much knows how to get food if He needs some. Jesus came to give the one thing that both Mary and Martha really needed - HIMSELF! Martha goes to Jesus asking Him to do something about her sister, when in reality, He wants to do a work in her! He wants to change her thinking, her heart, her PRIORITIES! He wants her to rest with and in Him!
I bet that when Jesus comes back to Martha's home after he raises her brother, Lazarus, from the dead, Martha has had a change of heart. I bet she doesn't stress over the small details that don't really matter in the end. I bet she has surrendered those things to Him. We know that she does serve when Jesus comes back to stay with her (John 12:2), but I'm willing to bet that it is not in the same frantic overwhelmed way and that she does not fuss at her sister about it.
The world does need Marthas - there are certain things that we just must do to keep ourselves and our families afloat. It is all about priorities, though, and our quality time spent with The Lord and with each other is so much more important!
I hope this has been helpful to you in some way.  It has certainly been useful for me and it is challenging me to evaluate my priorities and work to simplify this crazy overwhelmed life that I am running around doing right now.
Until later................hopefully not 7 months later.....................
(((HUGS)))

Thursday, March 7, 2013

For Madelynn on her 6th Birthday

My Dearest Madelynn,
Oh how I cannot believe that you are six!  I swear it was just yesterday that we welcomed you earthside and you began teaching us how to be parents.  I can still clearly remember your soft baby skin, your warm baby smell, your tiny baby fingers and toes, and your ability to turn my heart to mush with your baby smile.  You started school this past Fall and now you're all long legs and boisterous energy, and you you still have the power to melt my heart with a smile - simply just by being you.

I sit in awe every day of this amazing little girl that you are, and are becoming.  You are incredibly intelligent and I am so proud of how you are loving school, and how quickly you have learned to read.  I am thankful that you inherited my love for reading, as books can take you anywhere that you want to go - and you don't even have to get out of your pajamas!  You have the funniest, wittiest sense of humor and I love to laugh with you.  It makes my day.  Your creativity and imagination are limitless, developing this beautiful artistic part of you that I cannot wait to watch as you grow.  You have the most amazing relationship with God and connection to spirituality, so much so that I often think that you are an angel - that you have one foot here on earth and the other in heaven. You are so kind and nurturing - so willing to help others, so patient with your baby sister, and so desiring to shine your light for the whole world to see.  I am in awe of your grace and your beauty, inside and out.

I have to admit that sometimes I struggle as your mother.  You are so sensitive and so wise beyond your years that I forget that you are still a little girl.  I love how I can still help you feel safe and grounded - how you can climb into my lap and I can hold you tight ,and for a few minutes everything else in the world disappears.  My unconditional, undying love is all you really need to feel supported and understood.  I honestly pray that it is this way when you are 16 or 26 or 36 or 46 - that you can come to me from wherever you are, I can hold you and stroke your hair when life feels too hard for you.  I know that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way, but I do want you to know that I am always, always here - that no matter where you are or where I am you will always have a home.

Oh Miss Maddie, it is so hard as a mother to watch your babies grow up!  It's so hard and yet it is so wonderful because I am so certain that God has amazing plans for you.  While I may always miss the days when I could snuggle every square inch of your tiny 8 lb body against my chest and watch you breathe as you slept, I know that each new stage has its beauty and I cannot wait to see what is next for you.   

I love you so much Madelynn Hollis - forever and always no matter what!  Happy birthday precious girl!  May God bless you this year and in the many years to come.
Love,
Mommy

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

You mean you used NO DRUGS for childbirth?!?!?

I get this stunned question all of the time when I tell people about my birth stories. Many people are shocked to find that anyone would choose to go all natural in today's "modern" society. Feeling inspired by my oldest daughter's upcoming 6th (yes, 6th gasp) birthday, my sister's pregnancy, and a friend sharing her birth story on Facebook, I thought I would blog about both of mine.

Madelynn was born on March 8th 2007 at 8:14 PM, weighing 7 lbs, 13 oz, and almost 21" long. I had done a lot of research and I had decided to use Hypnobirthing for comfort during labor. There were several reasons for this choice: 1.) I really wanted to have a natural birth (I was very educated on the waterfall effect and dangers of interventions) and I knew I would need something more than funny breathing techniques to get me through it; 2.) I knew that some women have difficulty with flashbacks to past sexual and physical trauma in birth and I wanted to try to avoid that if possible; 3.) As a therapist, I knew about the power of relaxation and visualization so I figured it was definitely worth a shot in trying to use it during birth. I started the class in early November when I was about 24 weeks pregnant and from that time on, I was practicing what I learned. I would sit on my exercise (birth) ball every evening while watching Friends reruns and I also frequently listened to the birth affirmations and “Rainbow Relaxation” CD. I will admit that I did not listen to the CD every day and there were even a few weeks where I maybe only listened to it once or twice. I did, however, keep my favorite affirmation (“My body was made to birth. It does it easily and well.”) posted on my bathroom mirror so that I could see it and say it out loud every day. In addition, I bought Steve Halpern’s "Effortless Relaxation" CD and I would often fall asleep at night listening to it and visualizing my “perfect” birth.

I had an appointment with my midwife (I had chosen a team of midwives that deliver in the hospital - I wasn't quite brave enough then to do the homebirth thing) on March 8th . I was 41ish weeks pregnant and was getting a bit anxious. I wasn’t worried or fearful of birth, but I knew that my providers would start talking interventions if things didn’t happen soon. My appointment went well, but as I suspected, my providers mentioned that if I did not have the baby by Monday, I would need to return to the office for an NST and a BPP. If I did not have her by the following Friday, we would need to consider induction. Like I said, I was not fearful of birth at all, but WAS afraid of being induced. I knew that it often led to other interventions that I really wanted to avoid. I asked my provider to check my cervix to see if anything was happening. I had been having occasional contractions but nothing regular or even really noticeable. To my excitement, I was 4 cm and about 80% effaced! I finally agreed to let my provider sweep my membranes, thinking that this was a much more minor intervention than others that could come in the very near future. I decided to go on to work that day. I knew that if I went home I would just sit around questioning every sensation and I wanted to work as long as I could in order to save my "paid time off" for after the baby arrived.

I had some cramping throughout the day, but nothing major or real regular………until about 3:30 PM. I was in a meeting when, what I call a “real contraction", happened. I wouldn’t really call it painful, just sort of uncomfortable, and I felt a strong sense of pressure. (Keep in mind that when we did the "fear release" exercise in HypnoBirthing class, not only did I work with releasing any fears I had, but I claimed that I wanted my labor sensations to feel like pressure and for my labor to last 6 hours or less.) I decided to wait out the meeting, through which I had a couple more of these “real contractions”. I didn’t want to alarm my colleagues and I wasn’t in pain, so I thought that waiting it out was best. I returned to my office and sat at my desk at a little after 4:00 PM. I continued to have “real contractions”, and I decided to leave at about 4:30 PM. During my commute home I had several more contractions about 3 or 4 minutes apart. The pressure was getting more and more intense and I occasionally had to breathe through it. I thought about pulling over a time or two and even calling my husband to meet me and pick me up (thinking it probably wasn’t wise for me to drive while breathing through contractions lol). I think I still was kind of in denial that this was really happening. I thought I would go home, get in my bathtub, and it would go away. (I call this healthy denial lol!) I called both my husband and my mom to let them know that I was probably in labor and that I was heading home. I made it home (I don’t really remember some of the drive) and my husband met me in the garage. I told him how far apart my contractions were coming and that I wanted to go in and get in the tub. I called my midwife and she listened as I experienced a few contractions. Since I was managing them so well, she encouraged me to relax and eat a bite and call her in about an hour (or sooner if need be). I got my "Rainbow Relaxation" CD and got into the tub. That is when things really started moving along. Within minutes of my being in the tub, I started having an interesting contraction pattern. Every minute and a half, I would have a longer contraction that started off gradually, peaked, and then went away like the textbook contractions you hear about in standard childbirth classes. However, about 30 seconds after that, I would have a shorter contraction that started off very intense, at peak, and then went away as quickly as it began. Time distortion really started kicking in at that point, so I am not real sure how long I actually stayed in the tub. My husband called my midwife back to let her know about this pattern. Because I had not eaten, nor had I had much to drink recently, she advised me to get out of the tub, eat a bite and drink some water, and see what happened. I got out of the tub and put on some clothes, stopping to kind of sway back and forth and breathe during contractions. I attempted to eat but that pattern continued on and the short, intense contractions were getting more and more intense (still felt like pressure, but more intense). My husband noticed some sort of change in me in the way I was going inside of myself and focusing on my breath and he made the decision for us to go to the hospital. He called my midwife and my mom to let them know to meet us there.

Managing my contractions was more difficult in the car. I felt over stimulated by the combination of contractions and the motion of the car. When we were about a mile from the hospital, I started feeling the urge to "push" when the shorter, intense contractions came. My husband hurriedly drove to the hospital, parked, and walked me to L&D. (We arrived at exactly 7:00 PM so really not much time had passed since I started having contractions in my meeting.) I met a nurse that I know well in the hall and told her that I was feeling the urge to push. Nurses started scurrying around in every direction. There was not a triage room ready so they had me change clothes in one room while they readied another. When I got into a triage bed, they hooked me up to the monitor and checked my cervix. I was a little more than 7 cm and almost completely effaced. They started my IV (I was GBS positive so despite the fact that I didn't want an IV I didn't have much choice) as they ran through a gamut of questions (which completely annoyed me as I was working so hard to stay inside myself and relaxed). I am not sure how long I was in triage when they wheeled me on over to my L&D room (where my mom was already waiting). I remember waiting for a contraction to pass before my husband and my mom helped me climb into my L&D bed. At that point I really felt an urge to push and my nurse checked my cervix to find that I just had a tiny bit of it left. She encouraged me to relax and go with what my body was telling me to do. A few minutes later, my midwife arrived. She noticed that I was sort of bearing down (trying to do "birth breathing"). I was still having the longer then shorter contraction pattern and my body was telling me to “push” during the short contractions (which actually felt kind of good) and gently nudge with downward breaths during the longer ones (which I continued to follow even though everyone was doing the stereotypical “push cheer” at me). I was focusing so hard on my baby and my body that much of what else that was happening around me at the time is very unclear. I do remember the intense burning sensation when my baby was crowning and I think I still had some fear left about tearing because I remember not wanting to push or even do any birth breathing at that time. I asked for a mirror to be able to see my baby crowning which helped me to release that fear. At some point my midwife suggested that she break my water. I was so inside myself that I vaguely remember just nodding my head. I just wanted it all to be over. I remember my midwife saying that there was meconium, and they called for the NICU, which scared me, but also motivated me again to focus on my baby and finish bringing her into the world. My mom said later that she was amazed at how I was confident in my body and allowing it to do its work. Very soon after that, my provider asked my husband to come over to help "catch "the baby and my mom helped me unfasten my gown so that they could place her on my chest, skin-to-skin. There was such a release of energy when she was born and was placed on my chest. I cried. My mom cried. My midwife cried. My big tough husband even cried. Everyone was hugging. It was absolutely amazing. The nurses did need to suction and inspect my baby within a few minutes of birth since there was meconium and since I had only had time to get part of one GBS treatment, but they returned her to me very quickly and we began nursing right away. She latched on very well almost immediately and took to nursing like a pro. My husband and I were given some time alone with our baby to bond as a new family. We both just sat there holding on to one another and looking into the eyes of our precious baby girl. It was so beautiful; a moment I will never ever forget!

 I stopped working to become a SAHM when Madelynn was almost 3. That next Fall, the Hubs and I decided to try for another baby, thinking it would take us awhile to become pregnant. (It had taken almost 4 years, including a miscarriage and some time off to regroup, to conceive Madelynn.) We were absolutely shocked when we became pregnant during our first cycle trying. On the morning of June 13th, 2011, I had an appointment with my midwife (the same one that had cared for me when I was pregnant with Madelynn). By my dates, this was my “due date”. I had been having contractions off and on for several days and had been having a lot of pressure but, due to some family emergencies, I had refused all cervical checks, trying to avoid prompting labor to begin. I decided to go ahead allow a cervical check at this appointment and was excited to discover that I was “a good” 4 cms and that my bag of waters was bulging a bit. I went home to alternate walking/activity with rest to prepare for my baby’s arrival. All day I had contractions that would vary from 3 minutes to 45 minutes apart. Occasionally I would have to stop and focus and do some slow breathing through them, but they really were not painful or regular and they felt different from the ones I had with my Madelynn so I didn't really expect that we would be having a baby that day. I sat outside and stuck my feet in the kiddie pool while Madelynn played and even helped the Hubs write a paper for school. At about 11:00 PM, just as hubby and I were settling into bed, things began to feel a little different. I could not get comfortable in my bed and I felt like I needed to be upright and rocking/moving when a contraction came. Isabella was not quite posterior but was a bit sideways and so I had a lot of pressure in my back. I had to really go inside myself and breathe during the contractions and I decided to get up and rock on my birth ball. While on the ball, I used imagery of my body smoothly and easily opening. The contractions were now coming between 3 and 8 minutes apart and I was making very frequent trips to the bathroom. I was wondering if my bag of waters had ruptured and was leaking because I would have very intense contractions and pressure in the bathroom and a lot of fluid would come out. I called my midwife and we decided for me to go to the hospital to see what was happening. As soon as hubby’s grandparents arrived to stay with Madelynn at about 11:45 or so, we left for the hospital. As we neared the hospital, I started having intense contractions that were only about a minute to two minutes apart and I was feeling a lot of pressure in my back and rectal area. My midwife met us in L&D at a little after 12:00 AM and took us to a room off of triage since there were no triage rooms available (funny how this was the case with my first birth as well lol). She checked my cervix, which was now about 7 cms, and did a couple of tests to determine if I was leaking water, which I was not. I walked to my L&D room, used the restroom where I had a very intense contraction with pressure, and was then told that I needed to get into the bed to be monitored. I have to say that I was not thrilled with this idea as I was having so much back and rectal pressure and was much more comfortable standing, leaning over supported, and swaying. This is where I now wish I had gone with my instincts and had Isabella at home. I finally agreed to get into the bed, though I refused to be flat or to lie on my back. I stayed semi-upright on my left side with my hubby rubbing and putting counter pressure on my back, doing light touch on my right arm, and talking quietly to me. Just minutes after I got into the bed, I could feel my body bearing down with each contraction and the contractions were coming one after another. I announced that I felt like I was pushing and nurses suddenly started hurrying in and around the room. I began following my body’s lead and bearing down with my breath almost continuously since I had no time in between contractions. I wanted to be upright and squatting, but I did not feel able to adjust my position due to the contractions coming so fast and being so intense. I still had a lot of rectal pressure, which is where I felt my baby most as I was pushing and she was crowning, and then as she was born. I did not have the burning “ring of fire” that I expected (maybe that is because I spent a lot of time releasing this fear in my hypnobirthing practice since this was a fear I had left over from Madelynn's birth). At this point I asked for a mirror so that I could see my baby come into the world and a nurse went running from the room to find one (she didn’t make it back with the mirror until Isabella was already born). It was then that I grabbed my right leg, gave a bigger push than I had been doing, and my beautiful baby girl was born. I reached down to help catch her. It was 12:47 AM. I did my best to pull blankets and clothes away so that Isabella could rest directly on my skin on my abdomen to wait for the chord to stop pulsating. She was so perfect and looked just like her big sister. Once daddy cut the chord and I got her snuggled on my chest skin to skin with warming blankets on top, we were really able to meet one another in person, and nurse a little as the placenta was delivered and I received a stitch for a small tear. Isabella weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and was 19 ½ inches long. While I will say that since my labor was so incredibly fast this time, I did not have the “serene”hypnobirth that you see on TV (though it might have been a little different had I had a home birth and/or water birth). Hypnobirthing did help me feel confident about my birth and remain relaxed and positive throughout. It also gave me the tools for breathing correctly and effectively, visualizing my body opening, and using mother-directed “pushing” to both support my baby’s birth and my body's ability to do its work. It really supported me all through that day since my body was likely working when i didn't even realize it. It was another amazing experience that has left me feeling strong and empowered!

People are often amazed at the level of detail in which I remember my birth experiences. I am often amazed myself because, at the time, I was so inside of myself that everything else seemed like a fuzzy dream. I think that this is part of the beauty of hypnobirthing. I am also still so amazed at the power of the "fear release" visualization. Not only did I have no trauma flashbacks - not even a stray thought - in either of my births, but I also felt exactly how I claimed I wanted to feel and labored for exactly the length of time (or less) than I claimed. I admit that this could very well have happened on its own, without the "fear release" exercise, but it seems an awesome coincidence.

So if you have read all of this, thanks for indulging me! If you are pregnant or planning a pregnancy at some point in the future, I hope this inspires you. I am the girl that often faints when getting blood drawn, but I was able to birth two perfect little girls without anything but the power of my own body! Blessings to all!.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Too Much?

With Christmas weeks past and resolutions made (sort of), I have had minute or two to reflect on the holiday season.  From Thanksgiving to New Year's day, life is hectic, to say the least.  There's food to make and consume, weight to gain, parties to attend, shopping to do, gifts to wrap and give - people to see and things to do.  When it is all said and done I like to sit back and reflect on the whirlwind that just passed.  As I am reflecting, this year I am almost painfully aware of the over-abundance.  Maybe it is because we are currently renting a house (while our new house is under construction) that is much smaller than anything we have ever lived in (since we have had children, that is).  We are crammed in like sardines and there is stuff, particularly lots of pink girlie stuff, everywhere.  Minnie Mouse and Barbie take up more space right now than the Hubs and I combined.  I'd like to think, though, that it's not just the size of our humble abode right now (and that in and of itself is a problem as I tell myself and my kids that it is not the size or quality of the home but the people - residents and guests - within that matters).  I'd like to think that my growing relationship with Jesus is changing my perspective.

My little family attended four large family Christmas gatherings where my children were showered with gifts.  Then, of course, there were gifts at home from each other and from Santa Clause.  The money spent on my children (and on the Hubs and me) combined is outrageous, likely well into the thousands, and the paper, bags, and bows that are simply torn up and thrown away resembles a small mountain.  After Santa Clause had arrived at our house, the Hubs and I sat looking at the small arrangements for each of our girls and we briefly had a moment of ............. well I'm not sure how to describe the feeling ............... sort of a sad-angry-jealous-bitter-shameful-ish feeling.  Santa had spent quite a bit of his hard earned and often hard to find cash on these precious girls, but the results looked pretty pitiful, especially next to the stash that the girls had already received elsewhere that was still stacked and creeping out of our dining area.  In my mind, Santa is supposed to be the best - the top present-giver, and so my heart hurt that he had been outdone again.  After a few minutes of self-pity, I then felt frustrated and angry at myself for thinking this way.  What I clearly realize above all of this is that my heart is really hurting because Christmas has become a gift-giving frenzy - more, more, more, MORE - and this is not what I want Christmas to mean for my daughters.

Now people please listen, before anyone gets angry and shoots me a message, I am very grateful that my children have so many people who love them and want to lavish them with gifts.  I feel so blessed that I wouldn't have to spend a single penny and my girls would have everything they could imagine in the way of toys and clothes.  I don't want anyone to get the idea that I am not thankful because I really, truly am.  Here's the thing, though.  I am afraid that in the midst of the party-going, food-consuming, gift-giving extravaganza, we have lost the true meaning of Christmas.  Sure, we all give lip service to Christmas being all about Jesus' birthday and spending time with the people we love, but I wonder if we look deep within ourselves, though, if our actions match our words. 

The Hubs and I tried really hard to make Jesus' birthday and giving to others our focus this year.  We spent a lot of time at church and in prayer, we made tons of crafts that we gave to people, and the girls and I had a "random acts of kindness day" where we did things like sticking change on drink machines, leaving small gifts for service people, and collecting shopping carts at the supermarket so that the store employees wouldn't have to go out in the cold and do it - small things that made people's day (which is something we want to continue year round).  But there we were on Christmas Eve, staring at the gifts we had for our girls, and feeling inadequate.  There is something seriously wrong with this picture!  Christmas should be about joy and love and the innocence of childhood and the birth of our Savior, not the amount of presents under a drooping tree!

So what in the world am I supposed to do about this?  Now it feels so much bigger than me and it resembles a freight train speeding down a mountain with no brakes - and I don't like where it is heading.  Do I have a heart to heart conversation with the family and ask them to limit their gifts and extravagance?  I don't want to take their joy away but maybe that's the whole problem.  Maybe we as a family need to create a new kind of joy through traditions that do not involve 5 million gifts that get lost or broken and forgotten by the end of January.  Maybe Christmas should become more about exchanging a few gifts (i.e. the rule of three - something they need, something they wear, and something they want) and then spending the rest of our time and resources truly enjoying one another and serving others.  Maybe Christmas should become more about going together to volunteer, to see Christmas lights and live Nativities, and to watch Christmas parades and shows.  After all, as I look back on my childhood, these are the things that I remember and that warm my heart, more than the gifts.

I know that I do not know it all and I certainly do not want to take away anyone's enjoyment of the holidays.  I love Christmas!  I love the colors, the lights, the decorations, the weather, the family time, and of course the true meaning of the whole shindig!  The Christmas season is my favorite time of year!  This year I just felt a little like Cindy Lou Who in Jim Carey's version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  I was left wondering "where are you Christmas" and I have concluded that "maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas - perhaps - means a little bit more".

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Happy New Year!

Happy 2013 everyone!  Another year has passed and I have to admit that I'm not exactly sad to see 2012 go.  While I am grateful for each and every moment that I have on this earth, 2012 was full of challenges that kept me riding on a roller coaster of emotions.  With Isabella's multiple illnesses and stint in the PICU, the very sudden and unexpected death of my grandfather, a move, Madelynn starting school, a personal cancer scare, and more, there was much in 2012 that threw me for a loop.  I must admit, though, that there were also many, many joys and blessings, not the least of which was our finding NewSpring church and my beginning a real relationship with Jesus.  Really, I am grateful for the challenges I faced early in the year because, essentially, those were the things that opened my eyes and led me to seek out a church and, subsequently, my salvation.

Every new year, I join millions of folks and make some resolution that is typically broken within a few weeks.  This year, I am not making a specific resolution, but I am praying for health - spiritual, relational, financial, physical, emotional health.  I am praying for a growing relationship with God - that I find and make the time to intentionally spend with Him every day.  I am praying for a better relationship with my husband, my children, my family, and my friends - that God will form me into the wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, daughter-in law, friend that He intends for me to be.  I pray, not for wealth and riches, but merely for financial security so that my girls will never have to wonder if they will have what they need.  I pray that I will get a handle on my overall health, and while I would like to lose some weight, I really just want to feel better.  I pray that by trusting God, I will be further released from my anxiety, PTSD, anger, and depression - that I will have more of a feeling of peace in my heart and soul.

To all of you, my dear friends and family, I pray for all of you, too.  That you will all have a healthy, safe, happy, and prosperous 2013.  May God bless you and your family this year and always. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

On Sandy Hook

It has taken several days for me to be able to pull any coherent thoughts together about the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, CT.  I have cried more about the deaths and heroism of these strangers than I have about too much else, ever.  I have wondered, with so many mass shootings these days, what it is about this one that has so deeply touched me (and it is really sad that mass shootings have become "just another thing" in our lives).  For me, the reason is quite simple really.  I'm a mother.  Not just any mother, but a mother to an almost 6 year-old girl.  When I heard the news of this tragedy last Friday, I immediately pictured the precious face of my daughter and the faces of her classmates, how innocent and defenseless they really are to this world.  I imagined how terrified those children must have been, how some must have frozen in fear, some must have ran and hid, and some must have tried to help their friends and/or fight.  I can clearly imagine those things because I know first-hand about children that age.  I know exactly how a child that age looks, acts, and even smells!  I immediately thought about the parents of those children, the fear and panic and pain.  How, as a parent, could one face another day, much less even think about celebrating Christmas, after something like this.  I immediately wanted to speed to my daughter's school, pull her out, and never let her go back; to move to some remote island and keep my children in a bubble where they could never get hurt in any way.  If I'm honest, I even immediately briefly wondered about God - where was He when this happened?  How in the world could He let this happen to those precious babies and the loving and brave faculty who died protecting them?  The thing is, though, that this world is really, really broken and there are so many things here that we do not, and can not, understand.  We, myself included, forget that millions of children and teachers made it home safe Friday, praise God!  I know that God was there crying right alongside of those families in CT, and all of us.  I know that He was there to welcome all of those sweet angels into heaven - that they never, ever have to be afraid again.  I certainly am not wise enough to understand or be able to explain why these things happen.  I know it brings little comfort to those families, but perhaps those people, the children included, were already so perfectly prepared for heaven that any more time on earth would have been an unnecessary waste for them.  We really are not made for this world.  Perhaps there is something bigger and better that their families are supposed to do as a result of all of this.  I don't know.  Every time I see a picture or hear a story about one of those precious lives, I can't help but feel sad and angry and wonder what has become of us.

What gives me hope is, not only my faith, but the innocent joy in my daughters' eyes; the curiosity, the excitement, the love, the will to experience life to the fullest and make a difference.  I pray that I am raising daughters who have a cautious, yet confident fearlessness.  I pray that Madelynn continues to be so in tune with her spirituality that she always knows that "God is everywhere and He will protect me", just as she reminded me on Monday morning when I was feeling anxious about taking her to school.  I pray that God will wrap His loving and healing arms around everyone involved with this tragedy in CT.  I pray that this world wakes up and makes the necessary changes so that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Rest in Peace precious children and faculty of Sandy Hook.  I know I will never forget any of you.






           

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Religion and Politics

Alright y’all, I am about to break one of the most fundamental “rules”, if you will, that my daddy taught me growing up.  I am about to talk about, not just religion, but about politics as well, in polite company.  *Gasp!*  The presidential election this year brought to light, for me, some issues in regards to religion and politics that I never closely considered before.  Perhaps it is my new-found faith and dedication to Christ that has opened my eyes.  Maybe it is just the fact that that I am hitting “middle age” (Eeek!) and I am raising two daughters so I am more aware, shall we say, of the world in a more mature way.  Whatever the reason, I feel like I need to comment on this topic, and some of you might disagree or even get angry or offended.  For that, I apologize, but I do promise that my words come from a place of compassion and love and a desire for that compassion and love for all.

During this past presidential election, I began to wonder if it is possible to be both a Christ-follower and a “liberal”.  I have always considered myself to have more liberal views and opinions.  Peace and equality have always reigned supreme in my political focus and I have always floated much more to the left than to the right.  In my new walk with Christ, I have been challenged to take another look at my ideals and values, and re-evaluate them in a more biblical and Christ-like way.  You know what’s really cool?  In my self and biblical exploration, I am discovering that, despite what some Christians, especially right-wing “Christian” politicians might say, being a Christ-follower and being more liberal-minded are not mutually exclusive!  It seems that I was probably mostly on the right track from the beginning! 

Hang with me for a minute.  Let me unpack this.  You might be thinking that it is not possible to support the things that liberal folks tend to endorse and follow Jesus.  In some ways you are right, but let’s talk about this for a minute.  Let’s talk about Jesus and who, exactly, he chose to hang out with and minister to during his life on earth.  Couldn’t we say that Jesus spent most of his time with the poor, sick, needy, lying, thieving, adultering, murdering, lowest of the low people on the planet?  In fact, many of his disciples were crooks and criminals, people who many folks warming the pews of Christian churches all over the world today would not dream of hanging out with.  Jesus also chose to seek out and spend time with women, a big, big “no-no” back in those days.  We could argue that Jesus was really the first in the Women’s Rights movement.  We could also affirm that since the Lord created this beautiful planet and all who inhabit it, that He is likely pretty darn concerned about how we treat the environment and the animals.

So you might be thinking, “what does all of this have to do with politics”.  I believe that typically, and this is where some people might start to get offended, typically the more right-wing folks are not supportive of social programs, laws, and so forth that support these groups of people.  Issues for women’s and children’s rights, equality, and healthcare; issues for the poor and infirm; issues for those who have been convicted of crimes; environmental and animal protection issues all tend to be more left-wing concerns.  I'm not saying that "Tea party" folks are not concerned with these things.  I am saying, though, that these issues tend to be a point of contention between parties and that the lefties tend to be more supportive of these groups and areas.

Let’s unpack this just a bit more and consider a few specific issues.  Because I live in the South, I would be completely remiss if I didn’t at least mention the issue of gun control.  First let me say that Jesus never used anything resembling a gun, any weapon, or even his hands in a threatening way against another person; not even the people who were torturing and murdering him!  With that being said, I do believe that in today’s scary world, it should be perfectly legal to own a firearm, UNLESS you are mentally or emotionally unstable or a convicted criminal.  If you are not in one of these categories then STOP worrying about it!  No one is trying to take your guns away!  Yes, guns will still get into the wrong hands through illegal means, but we can and should do our part to make that as difficult as possible.  Sure, that means it might be a bit harder and take a bit longer for everyone else to acquire one, but get over it and learn to be patient.

While I’m talking guns I might as well mention animal rights, a more liberal concern.  It’s pretty simple really, God created animals and He commanded us to look after them.  Using “we must control the population” and “we’re at the top of the food chain” as excuses for hunting are, frankly, a joke.  If you like to hunt for sport, fine.  Just call a spade a spade and say you like to hunt for sport.  WE don’t need to control the population.  Nature will do that.  And yes, we might be at the top of the food chain in some respects, but let me drop you into the middle of the African plains with only the clothes on your back and no weapons and let’s see what happens.  J  I have to admit, though, I do enjoy a good burger or steak from time to time! 

On a related note, let’s talk about the environment.  Regardless of what one might believe about global warming and such, the fact remains that we are destroying the environment with our chemicals and our wastefulness and our technology.  I do not believe that God would want us to treat this beautiful world that He created in this way.  He wants us be loving stewards of the land – to use what we need, but to nurture and replenish it as well.     

If I haven’t already made you mad, let’s get into a hot button issue.  How about gay marriage and homosexuality?  Guess what?  Jesus loved everyone!  Every single person!  Regardless of their choices and sins!  What does the Bible specifically say about homosexuality?  Well, I have done A LOT of studying on this topic and really, it is a little less clear than some might say.  Basically, the Bible says that homosexuality is biologically erroneous since sex was primarily created for procreation, and it lists homosexuality in line with other sexual sins including adultery and impure thoughts (and y'all pornography and even "trashy romance" novels and movies - hey there Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Gray - fit into the realm of sexual sin!  Ouch!).  Regardless of what I may or may not believe about homosexuality in and of itself, it – the issue of gay marriage – does not belong in politics!  Why should the government – the law – care about who wants to get married?  That choice is not hurting or even impacting anyone else.  Churches do not have to support it, though I do believe that churches should welcome ANYONE and EVERYONE through their doors.  Gay marriage does not threaten the sanctity of my marriage to my husband or anyone else’s marriage in the least, and it’s just not the government’s business.

Let’s talk a bit more about the issue of women’s rights.  I already touched on the fact that Jesus was probably the start of the Women’s Rights movement.  There are those religious and political folks that speak of the parts of the Bible that say that women should submit to men, particularly their husbands, in every way.  While this might be true in some respect, what about the parts of the Bible that spell out how men should treat women – that women should be revered as queens, as daughters of God, as precious gifts to be treasured.  After all, we women are the FIRST and ONLY things that God did not create from the dirt!  God saw that man could not live life alone and He created women from the man’s body!  How cool is that?  As women, we have the power to bring forth new life.  Our bodies and our minds are amazing and God created us that way because He knew that we were strong enough to handle it.  Christians often refer to the man as the head of the family, and that should be true.  However, if that is true, the woman is the neck of the family, and the head would be aimless, unsupported, and essentially worthless, without the neck.

So if you have made it this far and you aren’t mad or are even just a little miffed, thanks for hanging in with me.  I feel like, however, I need to go out on a long, shaky limb and talk about one more very sensitive subject.  Abortion.  Goodness y’all this is a tough one, one that I still have some conflicting feelings about.  Let me say first that I believe that abortion is wrong.  I especially believe that it is wrong to use it as a form of birth control, or even “oops” control.  I think it is a sin to take a human life, period end of story.  For me, though, the waters get a little muddy in a few special cases.  Take, for instance, rape or incest.  It is only by the grace of God that I never had to even consider this issue, but what if, at 15 years old when I was raped, I had gotten pregnant?  I cannot honestly say what I would have done then.  I don’t think any choice would have been easy or “right”.  This choice is never easy or right for any woman who must face it.  I mean, if I had chosen to abort then I would have had to live with that decision, that choice to kill my baby, for the rest of my life.  If I had chosen not to abort, however, I would also have to live with that decision, that choice to carry and raise a baby (most likely without a father) that was created out of selfishness and violence, for the rest of my life.  Would I always look at that child and see my abuser’s face?  Would it have impacted my feelings or my mothering of that child?  I honestly have no idea.  Thank you God that this did not happen and that I did not have to make that decision.  Thank you!  Other girls are not so lucky.  There are women, too, that despite taking every precaution, still become pregnant and that pregnancy totally threatens her health and even her own life, as well as the life of the child.  Should the government say that this woman cannot abort?  Like I said, I’m still very conflicted on this issue.  I value life and really the biggest part of me screams that abortion is NEVER OK.  Never. That there are plenty of families out there that would give anything for a child and so there is always the option of adoption.   As a woman, though, I’m not sure I can say that it is the government’s job to tell a woman what she can or cannot do with her body.  Here’s the thing, though, if I say I value life, then that really should be across the board.  I believe, then, that I cannot be OK with taking a life for any reason, even capital punishment.  Let’s chew on that for a little while.  We just have to keep in mind that Jesus was not OK with capital punishment.  How many Bible accounts are there of Jesus interceding when someone was going to be stoned; of Jesus befriending the lowest of the low criminals?  It's incredibly cheesy, but it still rings true: "What would Jesus do". 

So……… I think I touched on some of the political issues that tend to get tangled up with religion, particularly during election time.  I think, for me, it comes down to the question of how involved the government should be in our day to day living.  Yes, we do need some sort of body to keep us in line and help us avoid anarchy, but, really, is every little thing the government’s business or responsibility?  Should the government help us make our moral choices and determine our values?  I don’t know.  Really, I believe that if more of us would work harder to be more like Christ, then we wouldn’t need much of a government at all………………and if I’m being totally honest, it makes me really, REALLY angry that politicians, that people in general, use our loving Savior’s name to be judgmental butt heads!  Go ahead and spew your hatred, but don’t blame it on Jesus, or God, or the Bible!  Don’t you dare!  GOD IS LOVE!  And that love is for every person and every thing.  Period.

Peace and love y’all!