My Dearest Madelynn,
Oh how I cannot believe that you are six! I swear it was just yesterday that we welcomed you earthside and you began teaching us how to be parents. I can still clearly remember your soft baby skin, your warm baby smell, your tiny baby fingers and toes, and your ability to turn my heart to mush with your baby smile. You started school this past Fall and now you're all long legs and boisterous energy, and you you still have the power to melt my heart with a smile - simply just by being you.
I sit in awe every day of this amazing little girl that you are, and are becoming. You are incredibly intelligent and I am so proud of how you are loving school, and how quickly you have learned to read. I am thankful that you inherited my love for reading, as books can take you anywhere that you want to go - and you don't even have to get out of your pajamas! You have the funniest, wittiest sense of humor and I love to laugh with you. It makes my day. Your creativity and imagination are limitless, developing this beautiful artistic part of you that I cannot wait to watch as you grow. You have the most amazing relationship with God and connection to spirituality, so much so that I often think that you are an angel - that you have one foot here on earth and the other in heaven. You are so kind and nurturing - so willing to help others, so patient with your baby sister, and so desiring to shine your light for the whole world to see. I am in awe of your grace and your beauty, inside and out.
I have to admit that sometimes I struggle as your mother. You are so sensitive and so wise beyond your years that I forget that you are still a little girl. I love how I can still help you feel safe and grounded - how you can climb into my lap and I can hold you tight ,and for a few minutes everything else in the world disappears. My unconditional, undying love is all you really need to feel supported and understood. I honestly pray that it is this way when you are 16 or 26 or 36 or 46 - that you can come to me from wherever you are, I can hold you and stroke your hair when life feels too hard for you. I know that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way, but I do want you to know that I am always, always here - that no matter where you are or where I am you will always have a home.
Oh Miss Maddie, it is so hard as a mother to watch your babies grow up! It's so hard and yet it is so wonderful because I am so certain that God has amazing plans for you. While I may always miss the days when I could snuggle every square inch of your tiny 8 lb body against my chest and watch you breathe as you slept, I know that each new stage has its beauty and I cannot wait to see what is next for you.
I love you so much Madelynn Hollis - forever and always no matter what! Happy birthday precious girl! May God bless you this year and in the many years to come.
Love,
Mommy
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Monday, October 29, 2012
Fall-Fabulous Eats!
So after my INTENSE last post, I thought I should probably lighten things up a bit and talk food. My family loves food, especially desserts! As I've mentioned before, Madelynn and I have been experimenting with cooking and baking. Our favorite thing to bake is cupcakes and we are always searching for new recipes to finesse and make our own. I absolutely love spending time with her in the kitchen! Those are memories that I will cherish forever and I hope she does as well.
Last Friday, we decided to bring a little Fall into our kitchen and try out a recipe I found on Pinterest for Pumpkin Cupcakes with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Icing. We played with the ingredients a bit to make it our own and Oooooh are they fabulous! They were a hit at our small group meeting and they are quickly disappearing here at home. Here's our recipe:
Cake:
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 sticks unsalted butter softened
1 cup white granulated sugar
1 cup light brown sugar
4 eggs
1 cup milk
1 1/2ish cups pumpkin puree
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin pans with cupcake liners (for ours we used super cute Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin liners that I found at Michael's craft store). Combine all dry ingredients (including spices) in a medium bowl and set aside. Cream together butter and both sugars. Add eggs one at a time. Gradually add dry ingredients and milk (I add a little dry, little milk, little dry, etc. until both were gone). Mix with hand mixer on medium speed until well incorporated. Add in pumpkin and mix until smooth. Fill liners 2/3 full and bake for about 18 minutes until toothpick inserted in the center of one cupcake comes out clean. Allow to cool in pan 5 minutes then move to wire cooling rack to cool completely.
Icing:
1 1/2 sticks butter softened
8 oz cream cheese softened
4 cups confectioner's sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
Beat butter and cream cheese together until well incorporated. Gradually add in sugar. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon. Beat until smooth and creamy. Ice cupcakes. This icing pipes really well. Because I have not invested in fancy piping bags and such, I just fill a gallon size plastic storage bag, snip a bit off one of the bottom corners, and pipe the icing onto the cupcakes with that. I think it still comes out pretty!
After we piped on the icing we added on cute jack-o-lantern decorative picks that we found at Wal-Mart. Voila! Fabulous pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese icing! I love how you can see the flecks of cinnamon in the icing. The cake was very moist and tasted like lighter, slightly sweeter pumpkin bread and the icing was just sweet enough, with a subtle cinnamon taste. If you are a cinnamon lover, you could probably add a bit more to the icing without overpowering the cake. This recipes makes around 30 cupcakes.
Bon appetite and happy Fall, with love from our kitchen to yours,
Madelynn & Erin
Last Friday, we decided to bring a little Fall into our kitchen and try out a recipe I found on Pinterest for Pumpkin Cupcakes with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Icing. We played with the ingredients a bit to make it our own and Oooooh are they fabulous! They were a hit at our small group meeting and they are quickly disappearing here at home. Here's our recipe:
Cake:
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 sticks unsalted butter softened
1 cup white granulated sugar
1 cup light brown sugar
4 eggs
1 cup milk
1 1/2ish cups pumpkin puree
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin pans with cupcake liners (for ours we used super cute Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin liners that I found at Michael's craft store). Combine all dry ingredients (including spices) in a medium bowl and set aside. Cream together butter and both sugars. Add eggs one at a time. Gradually add dry ingredients and milk (I add a little dry, little milk, little dry, etc. until both were gone). Mix with hand mixer on medium speed until well incorporated. Add in pumpkin and mix until smooth. Fill liners 2/3 full and bake for about 18 minutes until toothpick inserted in the center of one cupcake comes out clean. Allow to cool in pan 5 minutes then move to wire cooling rack to cool completely.
Icing:
1 1/2 sticks butter softened
8 oz cream cheese softened
4 cups confectioner's sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
Beat butter and cream cheese together until well incorporated. Gradually add in sugar. Mix in vanilla and cinnamon. Beat until smooth and creamy. Ice cupcakes. This icing pipes really well. Because I have not invested in fancy piping bags and such, I just fill a gallon size plastic storage bag, snip a bit off one of the bottom corners, and pipe the icing onto the cupcakes with that. I think it still comes out pretty!
After we piped on the icing we added on cute jack-o-lantern decorative picks that we found at Wal-Mart. Voila! Fabulous pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese icing! I love how you can see the flecks of cinnamon in the icing. The cake was very moist and tasted like lighter, slightly sweeter pumpkin bread and the icing was just sweet enough, with a subtle cinnamon taste. If you are a cinnamon lover, you could probably add a bit more to the icing without overpowering the cake. This recipes makes around 30 cupcakes.
Bon appetite and happy Fall, with love from our kitchen to yours,
Madelynn & Erin
Friday, August 24, 2012
Off to School!
I would be completely remiss if I did not blog about my Madelynn starting school - 5 Kindergarten - this week. I have been putting off writing about it, thinking about it too much, because in my brain that somehow makes it more real. It is so bittersweet. I. SENT. MY. BABY. TO. SCHOOL! Seriously! I swear I just gave birth to her yesterday! Yesterday I was just struggling with PPD and wondering if I would ever sleep again! Yesterday I was nursing her around the clock and cuddling her while we both figured out our new lives. Yesterday she was a beautiful little 7lb 12oz baby who was utterly and completely dependant on me. Yesterday......
But no......my Madelynn just went off to Kindergarten - all day long - and she is so amazingly smart, and kind, and funny, and beautiful - and she absolutely loves school! When I picked her up on the very first day she protested, saying, "Mom I don't want to leave!"
I often call my children MY children - MY Madelynn, MY Isabella - but I realize more and more each day that they really aren't MY children. They belong to themselves and they belong to God, and my 2 greatest and most important jobs are to first give them roots and then give them wings. That is hard for a mother (or at least a mother like me) to admit, let alone be fully comfortable with. Everything in me wants to hold onto them tightly and never let them go.
But I watched my little girl spread her wings a bit this week - and oh are they glorious wings - full of love and light and energy and creativity! I guess I spread my wings a little bit too because I was able to let her go with just a few - OK more than a few - tears.
But no......my Madelynn just went off to Kindergarten - all day long - and she is so amazingly smart, and kind, and funny, and beautiful - and she absolutely loves school! When I picked her up on the very first day she protested, saying, "Mom I don't want to leave!"
I often call my children MY children - MY Madelynn, MY Isabella - but I realize more and more each day that they really aren't MY children. They belong to themselves and they belong to God, and my 2 greatest and most important jobs are to first give them roots and then give them wings. That is hard for a mother (or at least a mother like me) to admit, let alone be fully comfortable with. Everything in me wants to hold onto them tightly and never let them go.
But I watched my little girl spread her wings a bit this week - and oh are they glorious wings - full of love and light and energy and creativity! I guess I spread my wings a little bit too because I was able to let her go with just a few - OK more than a few - tears.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Broken Plate
I know......I'm sorry........It has been forever since I have posted. Things have been hectic, as life often is, and this just hasn't been a priority. I have lots to catch you up on but first I must write about something that has been weighing on my heart and mind. God gave me a sort of wake-up call the other day. First a bit of background. I have been struggling a bit, as usual, with my Type A control issues and my fighting to let go of that has stirred up a bit of anger, which is sort of a new feeling for me. Grief, sadness, depression, hurt, anxiety I know well, but real anger has always been something I push down and don't allow myself to feel, for whatever reason. I suppose lately it is catching up with me because nearly everything has surfaced as anger and I have caught myself "losing it" far too often.
Anyway, a few days ago I was diligently scrubbing away at some dishes when suddenly a loud crash startled me from a few feet away. I turned to see Isabella sitting on the floor wailing with fright in the midst of about a million shards of broken ceramic. As i carefully picked her up I immediately noticed what the now shards previously were, and I felt a sense of panic and anger knowing that one of my great-grandmother's heirloom plates was beyond repair. The plate had been one that I received when "Nanny" had passed away and it had been very special to me.
I tried not to think about the loss, to push my anger aside, as I examined Isabella for any sign of injury. Seeing that she was fine, I cuddled her until she stopped crying, and then began to clean up the mess.
Madelynn, who had come running at the sound of the crash, looked at me with anxious eyes.
"Mommy, I'm sorry about your plate," she said. She knew well about Nanny's plates. "Are you sad?"
"Yes I am sad," I answered. In a tense sort of quiet, she and I cleaned up what was left of the plate.
"Mommy are you mad," Madelynn asked after a minute, almost in a whisper,
I stopped what I was doing and reflected on my answer. No, Isabella should not have been playing and pulling up on the curio, but she was not being disobedient. After all, she is only 1 and does not know better. By the look on Madelynn's face and the anxiety I was feeling from Isabella, I wondered how often lately I had not stopped to think and had yelled at them unnecessarily. I felt God's gentle presence and a reminder to breathe.
"No baby I'm not mad," I said with a loud sigh. "She didn't mean to do it. Yes I am sad that my plate is broken but I'm glad baby sissy wasn't hurt." I looked at both of my precious girls and thought about how much they mean to me. "I want you both to know that you are more important to me than anything in this house. You are far more important to me than that plate. I love you both so much!" I gave them both huge hugs and soon they both went off to play. How different things would have been if I had started yelling and screaming at Isabella! I would have crushed her little spirit and I would have taught Madelynn that when you make a mistake, you deserve to be yelled at and treated harshly. If I had taught her that, I would have taught her the exact opposite of what our Father God has taught us. Our sins against God were/are much worse than the innocent mistake that Isabella had made but instead of screaming and yelling at us, God came down and cleaned up our mess Himself! Just as Isabella was incapable of cleaning up her mess, so are we incapable of erasing the sin from our lives. We had taken the beautiful life that He gave us, shattered it into a million irreparable pieces, and then sat anxious and wailing in the middle of our mess. Our gracious and merciful God lifted us out of the debris and held us close, reminding us of just how important we are to Him and how much He loves us.
There is one important difference between what God did and what I was able to do. I wasn't able to repair my plate. I had to sadly gather up all of the pieces and throw them away, sending up an apology to my Nanny. God didn't throw anything away. Instead, He took all of the tiny broken pieces and remade a new plate, more lovely than the original. He took the mess and created something beautiful from it - something that is fabulous, even though there are cracks and blemishes, because those blemishes show where God's healing love repaired us.
I am so thankful that I am no longer a broken plate! I might not look the same as I would if I had no sin in me or if there were no sin and ugliness in the world, but I try hard not to see my repaired places as imperfections, but as beautiful illustrations of God's amazing power to heal and restore. God is not angry with us. His anger disappeared when His Son Jesus died on the cross for us. Instead of punishing us He wraps us in His loving arms and says, "You are far more important to me than the mess you have made of things and I love you."
Anyway, a few days ago I was diligently scrubbing away at some dishes when suddenly a loud crash startled me from a few feet away. I turned to see Isabella sitting on the floor wailing with fright in the midst of about a million shards of broken ceramic. As i carefully picked her up I immediately noticed what the now shards previously were, and I felt a sense of panic and anger knowing that one of my great-grandmother's heirloom plates was beyond repair. The plate had been one that I received when "Nanny" had passed away and it had been very special to me.
I tried not to think about the loss, to push my anger aside, as I examined Isabella for any sign of injury. Seeing that she was fine, I cuddled her until she stopped crying, and then began to clean up the mess.
Madelynn, who had come running at the sound of the crash, looked at me with anxious eyes.
"Mommy, I'm sorry about your plate," she said. She knew well about Nanny's plates. "Are you sad?"
"Yes I am sad," I answered. In a tense sort of quiet, she and I cleaned up what was left of the plate.
"Mommy are you mad," Madelynn asked after a minute, almost in a whisper,
I stopped what I was doing and reflected on my answer. No, Isabella should not have been playing and pulling up on the curio, but she was not being disobedient. After all, she is only 1 and does not know better. By the look on Madelynn's face and the anxiety I was feeling from Isabella, I wondered how often lately I had not stopped to think and had yelled at them unnecessarily. I felt God's gentle presence and a reminder to breathe.
"No baby I'm not mad," I said with a loud sigh. "She didn't mean to do it. Yes I am sad that my plate is broken but I'm glad baby sissy wasn't hurt." I looked at both of my precious girls and thought about how much they mean to me. "I want you both to know that you are more important to me than anything in this house. You are far more important to me than that plate. I love you both so much!" I gave them both huge hugs and soon they both went off to play. How different things would have been if I had started yelling and screaming at Isabella! I would have crushed her little spirit and I would have taught Madelynn that when you make a mistake, you deserve to be yelled at and treated harshly. If I had taught her that, I would have taught her the exact opposite of what our Father God has taught us. Our sins against God were/are much worse than the innocent mistake that Isabella had made but instead of screaming and yelling at us, God came down and cleaned up our mess Himself! Just as Isabella was incapable of cleaning up her mess, so are we incapable of erasing the sin from our lives. We had taken the beautiful life that He gave us, shattered it into a million irreparable pieces, and then sat anxious and wailing in the middle of our mess. Our gracious and merciful God lifted us out of the debris and held us close, reminding us of just how important we are to Him and how much He loves us.
There is one important difference between what God did and what I was able to do. I wasn't able to repair my plate. I had to sadly gather up all of the pieces and throw them away, sending up an apology to my Nanny. God didn't throw anything away. Instead, He took all of the tiny broken pieces and remade a new plate, more lovely than the original. He took the mess and created something beautiful from it - something that is fabulous, even though there are cracks and blemishes, because those blemishes show where God's healing love repaired us.
I am so thankful that I am no longer a broken plate! I might not look the same as I would if I had no sin in me or if there were no sin and ugliness in the world, but I try hard not to see my repaired places as imperfections, but as beautiful illustrations of God's amazing power to heal and restore. God is not angry with us. His anger disappeared when His Son Jesus died on the cross for us. Instead of punishing us He wraps us in His loving arms and says, "You are far more important to me than the mess you have made of things and I love you."
Friday, June 15, 2012
Where did the last year go?
I know. I'm a day late with this post. Seems like I'm always late for everything these days. My precious Isabella turned one yesterday and I sit here, a little sad that the year went by so fast as well as happy and proud that we survived the first year and can move on to the next part of life in our little family. It is such a crazy thing to feel such conflicting emotions all at the same time. Since Isabella is our last baby (unless some miraculous act of God occurs), I am grieving never having an infant again - those newborn sounds and smells and cuddles - but then I am relieved that it won't be long before the bottles, the diapers, the teething will be a thing of the past.
The Hubs and I were talking about the last year, wondering how in the world it could have gone by so fast, but as we discussed all that transpired, it made a little more sense. Where did the last year go? Well..........
Happy 1st Birthday my precious Isabella! Mommy loves you to the moon and back a bazillion times!
The Hubs and I were talking about the last year, wondering how in the world it could have gone by so fast, but as we discussed all that transpired, it made a little more sense. Where did the last year go? Well..........
- A little more than a week before Isabella was born, the Hubs developed a kidney stone that became lodged and darn near caused his one kidney (he was only born with one) to fail. He was in the hospital for several days and ended up with surgery to remove the stone.
- At this same time, my maternal grandfather, Poppi, who lives here in SC, had open-heart surgery, and then the arduous recovery process that came along with it.
- Just three days after the Hubs' stint was removed, Isabella arrived and we were on that joyous, yet exhausting, adventure of the 4th trimester - learning our new baby and adjusting to being a family of four, which wasn't real easy for Madelynn, or the rest of us at times.
- When Isabella was two-ish weeks old, my mom's side of the family came in for a family reunion for the 4th of July. It was chaos at its best, but we had fun.
- That Fall Madelynn decided to cheer lead for the local youth organization, which led to practices and games 2 to 3 nights a week.
- Also that Fall, in September, the Hubs' youngest sister got married. Madelynn was the flower girl and I was a bridesmaid....or matron......whatever I might've been called lol!
- That October, the Hubs' great grandmother passed away. Granny Cooper was an amazing woman, strong and loving and a powerful figure in the family. Isabella was named after her.
- Of course then you have all of the Fall and Winter excitement and holidays: Halloween, Fall festivals, Clemson football (GO TIGERS!!!!), Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
- Around mid-December was when Isabella began getting sick and proceeded to spend the next several months with one illness or another. In February, she was hospitalized in the PICU for a few days, which was one of the scariest times of my life.
- Madelynn's 5th birthday was in early March and of course we had a fabulous Barbie extravaganza!
- As Spring began to arrive, my paternal grandfather unexpectedly passed away in mid/late March. He had only begun to fight the cancer that had taken over much of his body. So, the Hubs and I packed up the girls and hopped a plane to KC for a few days to be with the family and participate in the funeral. Honestly, I still have days that I can't believe he is gone. I half expect him to answer the phone when I call my Grammy.
- As the weather got warmer, we had more and more playdates with our new "mommy and me" group, which has kept us busy and running in all directions. Madelynn loves the time with other kids and I love the time with other mommies.
- In April we began attending NewSpring Church which has kept my heart and mind full and busy.
- In May we took our family "vacation" to Myrtle Beach - boy was that fun (insert eye roll and dripping sarcasm)! It was totally our fault - we chose a terrible week to go (college week and bike week) and we let Madelynn sort of drive us instead of insisting on periods of rest and such. It was chaos and we had two very tired and very irritable girls on our hands by the end of the week.
Happy 1st Birthday my precious Isabella! Mommy loves you to the moon and back a bazillion times!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
5?!?! Really?!?!?!
Today my big girl turns 5. Really?!?!?! I can hardly believe it!!! I will annoy myself today by reminding myself to "savor these moments" because it really does go by fast.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the morning of March 8th, 2007, a Thursday, and I was 5 days past my "guess date". I went that morning for an OB appointment with my midwife and, as expected, I got the induction talk. Desperately wanting a natural birth and to avoid an induction (yup I am one of "those women"), I gave the OK for a cervix check. Upon hearing that I was already 4cm dilated, I agreed let my midwife sweep my membranes a bit. I figured it was better that than all of the more invasive interventions that may come if I did not go into labor on my own by Monday. After that fun, I went on to work. I knew that if I went home "to rest" I would just dwell on what was to come and would make myself anxious and irritable (well, more irritable than most 40+ weeks pregnant woman is typically).
I spent the day tying up loose ends, preparing for maternity leave, and it was all in all uneventful.........................that is until about 4:00PM. I was sitting in a meeting when a contraction hit. I had had plenty of BH contractions, but this one was completely different. It took me a little off guard. Not wanting to alarm my colleagues, I calmly finished out the meeting and headed for my office. By 4:30 I had had a couple more of these contractions and so I decided to head home. On the way home I called my hubby and my mom to let them know what was up. I had several more contractions on the way home, a few making me rethink my decision to drive myself home. My hypnobirthing training was kicking in, however. I was sort of living in denial that this was the real thing and I was really relaxed and calm. I honestly hardly remember the drive home lol!
So, I arrived home, the Hub meeting me in the drive, and decided to hop in the tub to see if the warm water would make the contractions go away. On the contrary, they intensified! I won't bore you with all of the details, but at some point, the Hub decided it was time to go to the hospital. We called mom and the midwife on the way. That 30 minute car ride was so incredibly intense - the contractions coupled with the bumps in the road were shaking my focus a bit and I was beginning to truly feel......dare I say it.........the dreaded "P" word. (Those of us who are into hypnobirthing pretty much remove the word "pain" from our vocabulary.) As we were nearing the hospital, I began to feel an urge to bear down.
The Hubs and I walked together up to the L&D floor at about 7:00is pm where I was determined to be in labor (duh!) and at about 7ish cms dilated. Woohoo! At 8:14 pm Madelynn was gently brought earth side - right into her daddy's hands. Yup, you heard it right: first baby - a little over 4 hour labor. It was the most amazingly empowering experience of my life and I was immediately in love.
Today Madelynn is an incredibly smart, energetic, hilarious, and beautiful 5 year old. She challenges me in ways I never knew possible and and brings me joy that I never knew existed. I'll say again: I never knew love until I met that little girl.
So............happy birthday Madelynn! Mommy and Daddy love you more than words could attempt to express!
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the morning of March 8th, 2007, a Thursday, and I was 5 days past my "guess date". I went that morning for an OB appointment with my midwife and, as expected, I got the induction talk. Desperately wanting a natural birth and to avoid an induction (yup I am one of "those women"), I gave the OK for a cervix check. Upon hearing that I was already 4cm dilated, I agreed let my midwife sweep my membranes a bit. I figured it was better that than all of the more invasive interventions that may come if I did not go into labor on my own by Monday. After that fun, I went on to work. I knew that if I went home "to rest" I would just dwell on what was to come and would make myself anxious and irritable (well, more irritable than most 40+ weeks pregnant woman is typically).
I spent the day tying up loose ends, preparing for maternity leave, and it was all in all uneventful.........................that is until about 4:00PM. I was sitting in a meeting when a contraction hit. I had had plenty of BH contractions, but this one was completely different. It took me a little off guard. Not wanting to alarm my colleagues, I calmly finished out the meeting and headed for my office. By 4:30 I had had a couple more of these contractions and so I decided to head home. On the way home I called my hubby and my mom to let them know what was up. I had several more contractions on the way home, a few making me rethink my decision to drive myself home. My hypnobirthing training was kicking in, however. I was sort of living in denial that this was the real thing and I was really relaxed and calm. I honestly hardly remember the drive home lol!
So, I arrived home, the Hub meeting me in the drive, and decided to hop in the tub to see if the warm water would make the contractions go away. On the contrary, they intensified! I won't bore you with all of the details, but at some point, the Hub decided it was time to go to the hospital. We called mom and the midwife on the way. That 30 minute car ride was so incredibly intense - the contractions coupled with the bumps in the road were shaking my focus a bit and I was beginning to truly feel......dare I say it.........the dreaded "P" word. (Those of us who are into hypnobirthing pretty much remove the word "pain" from our vocabulary.) As we were nearing the hospital, I began to feel an urge to bear down.
The Hubs and I walked together up to the L&D floor at about 7:00is pm where I was determined to be in labor (duh!) and at about 7ish cms dilated. Woohoo! At 8:14 pm Madelynn was gently brought earth side - right into her daddy's hands. Yup, you heard it right: first baby - a little over 4 hour labor. It was the most amazingly empowering experience of my life and I was immediately in love.
Today Madelynn is an incredibly smart, energetic, hilarious, and beautiful 5 year old. She challenges me in ways I never knew possible and and brings me joy that I never knew existed. I'll say again: I never knew love until I met that little girl.
So............happy birthday Madelynn! Mommy and Daddy love you more than words could attempt to express!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Introducing........
Before, I go any further, I need to introduce two very special little people, especially because they will probably be a big part of this blog. They are my world, my everything, and knowing them has changed me in ways I never knew were possible.
All rise for the Royal Highnesses: Princess Madelynn and Princess Isabella!
This photo was taken in November 2011: Madelynn age 4 and Isabella 5 months.
Obviously, these two precious little girls are my daughters and while they challenge me in every way, they bring so much joy to my life. Let me tell you a little bit about them. I will try to be brief, but like most moms, when I get started talking about my kids, I can go on and on.
Madelynn will be 5 in March. I call her my little miracle. I found out I was pregnant with her on my 29th birthday, just when I had almost given up hope of conceiving a child on my own. We had been trying for a few years, off and on, with a couple of breaks to regroup, especially after a devastating loss in January 2004. As a matter of fact, the Hubs and I were vacationing at one of our favorite places, Seabrook Island, and had spent the morning, first on an early morning beach horseback ride, then on a beach stroll discussing our options - our next steps - for having a child, on the day I got a positive home pregnancy test. Needless to say, I was shocked when I saw those two pink lines and I proceeded to take countless more tests over the next several days, just to be sure it wasn't a dream.
Nine-ish months later, after a 4ish hour all-natural labor, Madelynn arrived. I never knew such love, such strength, such exhilaration, such agony until that day. Birth was an amazing experience for me - one I might talk more about later - one that showed me how much power I really have as a woman.
Madelynn was a challenging baby from pretty much day 1. She had "colic" - she cried pretty much 24/7 for 3+ months, she didn't sleep, she constantly needed to be held, and pretty much any new situation or person or stimuli in general completely freaked her out. Caring for her as an infant showed me again how much strength I truly possess.
To keep it brief, we will fast forward a few years. We have had some easier roads with Madelynn. She spoke her first word ("look") and then words and then sentences very early. She walked right at 12 months. She learned baby sign language at 12-ish months. She very easily learned to potty on the big girl potty at 2. She knew her shapes, colors, ABCs, numbers (in English and Spanish), and more before age 2. At 3 she began writing letters, including her name. At 4 she is beginning to read and writing more and more sight words. I could go on and on about how incredibly smart and talented she is, as well as how caring, courageous, strong, and hilarious!
Because of the issues Madelynn had as a baby, as well as continued difficulty with sleep, agitation, hypersensitivity, difficulty controlling herself, and high energy, the Hubs and I decided to take her to a doctor and psychologist for some testing this past Fall. Long story short, Madelynn received a "diagnosis" of being extremely intelligent/gifted (*surprise surprise*) and of ADHD. After my own exploration, I have decided that while she may in fact have ADHD, I believe she really has a Sensory Integration Disorder - which, by the way, is not a "real" diagnosis just yet and seems to be quite controversial in the medical world (which I don't usually fit into - will probably post more on that at some other time). Because of this, we likely have a long road ahead of us with school and such, but I am prepared to support her and advocate for her any way I am able.
On to Miss Isabella, who was born in June 2011. (I must note that the Hubs and I find it fascinating that Madelynn was born exactly a week before his birthday and Isabella was born exactly a week before mine!) When the Hubs and I decided to start trying for another baby, we really didn't expect to be blessed with another one, after all of the difficulties we had before conceiving Madelynn. At the very least, we expected it to take a long time. We took the "if it happens, it happens" attitude and stopped birth control in the beginning of September 2010. I saw those miraculous two pink lines again on October 2, 2010! Again I was shocked beyond belief.
Today Isabella is 7 1/2 months old, she is doing the typical 7 1/2 month old things like starting to sit up on her own, and her little personality is beginning to blossom. She is pretty much the polar opposite of her sister: laid back (though watch out if she is hungry or tired or not getting her way) and kind of lazy. Where Madelynn has blonde hair and crystal blue eyes, Isabella has dark hair - almost black - and brownish-greenish-goldish eyes. Like her big sister, however, Isabella is hilarious and beautiful, and she has the power to melt her mommy and daddy's hearts with her big smile and bright eyes!
I never knew love until I knew these two little girls.
Well, I guess that is enough for now. This is longer than I wanted it to be, but it is impossible to really abbreviate a description of the most precious gifts one could ever receive.
I close with another quote, authour unknown, until we meet again:
"No One Else Will Ever Know The Strength Of My Love For You After All, You're The Only One Who Knows What My Heart Sounds Like From The Inside."
(((HUGS))))
All rise for the Royal Highnesses: Princess Madelynn and Princess Isabella!
This photo was taken in November 2011: Madelynn age 4 and Isabella 5 months.
Obviously, these two precious little girls are my daughters and while they challenge me in every way, they bring so much joy to my life. Let me tell you a little bit about them. I will try to be brief, but like most moms, when I get started talking about my kids, I can go on and on.
Madelynn will be 5 in March. I call her my little miracle. I found out I was pregnant with her on my 29th birthday, just when I had almost given up hope of conceiving a child on my own. We had been trying for a few years, off and on, with a couple of breaks to regroup, especially after a devastating loss in January 2004. As a matter of fact, the Hubs and I were vacationing at one of our favorite places, Seabrook Island, and had spent the morning, first on an early morning beach horseback ride, then on a beach stroll discussing our options - our next steps - for having a child, on the day I got a positive home pregnancy test. Needless to say, I was shocked when I saw those two pink lines and I proceeded to take countless more tests over the next several days, just to be sure it wasn't a dream.
Nine-ish months later, after a 4ish hour all-natural labor, Madelynn arrived. I never knew such love, such strength, such exhilaration, such agony until that day. Birth was an amazing experience for me - one I might talk more about later - one that showed me how much power I really have as a woman.
Madelynn was a challenging baby from pretty much day 1. She had "colic" - she cried pretty much 24/7 for 3+ months, she didn't sleep, she constantly needed to be held, and pretty much any new situation or person or stimuli in general completely freaked her out. Caring for her as an infant showed me again how much strength I truly possess.
To keep it brief, we will fast forward a few years. We have had some easier roads with Madelynn. She spoke her first word ("look") and then words and then sentences very early. She walked right at 12 months. She learned baby sign language at 12-ish months. She very easily learned to potty on the big girl potty at 2. She knew her shapes, colors, ABCs, numbers (in English and Spanish), and more before age 2. At 3 she began writing letters, including her name. At 4 she is beginning to read and writing more and more sight words. I could go on and on about how incredibly smart and talented she is, as well as how caring, courageous, strong, and hilarious!
Because of the issues Madelynn had as a baby, as well as continued difficulty with sleep, agitation, hypersensitivity, difficulty controlling herself, and high energy, the Hubs and I decided to take her to a doctor and psychologist for some testing this past Fall. Long story short, Madelynn received a "diagnosis" of being extremely intelligent/gifted (*surprise surprise*) and of ADHD. After my own exploration, I have decided that while she may in fact have ADHD, I believe she really has a Sensory Integration Disorder - which, by the way, is not a "real" diagnosis just yet and seems to be quite controversial in the medical world (which I don't usually fit into - will probably post more on that at some other time). Because of this, we likely have a long road ahead of us with school and such, but I am prepared to support her and advocate for her any way I am able.
On to Miss Isabella, who was born in June 2011. (I must note that the Hubs and I find it fascinating that Madelynn was born exactly a week before his birthday and Isabella was born exactly a week before mine!) When the Hubs and I decided to start trying for another baby, we really didn't expect to be blessed with another one, after all of the difficulties we had before conceiving Madelynn. At the very least, we expected it to take a long time. We took the "if it happens, it happens" attitude and stopped birth control in the beginning of September 2010. I saw those miraculous two pink lines again on October 2, 2010! Again I was shocked beyond belief.
 |
| My belly - April 2011 (photo taken by Mandy Clyburn) |
I never knew love until I knew these two little girls.
Well, I guess that is enough for now. This is longer than I wanted it to be, but it is impossible to really abbreviate a description of the most precious gifts one could ever receive.
I close with another quote, authour unknown, until we meet again:
"No One Else Will Ever Know The Strength Of My Love For You After All, You're The Only One Who Knows What My Heart Sounds Like From The Inside."
(((HUGS))))
Monday, January 23, 2012
On the great debate
I have always been intrigued by the great debate between women who believe that mothers should stay home and women who believe that mothers should work outside of the home. Women on both sides are so passionate and the debate often becomes quite heated, even vicious, even among friends.
I have been both a "working" and a "stay-at-home" mom and therefore, I have experienced both sides of the debate that moms endure all day, every day, both in the world and inside their own heads. As someone who strongly believes that women should be empowering and supporting one another, regardless of choices, I felt compelled to comment on this great debate here.
When I worked outside of my home, "Mommy Guilt" rode shotgun with me each morning, chiding me for dropping off my daughter at daycare instead of keeping her at home, and for rocking her the night before instead of preparing for work. When I got to work each day, "Mommy Guilt" whispered that a good mom would still be at home with her daughter, and when I returned home in the evening, she'd insist that a better Counselor would have stayed at work longer. When I would talk to girlfriends who stayed home, "Mommy Guilt" would say, "See this lady is doing it right. Her kids are better off than yours are." "Mommy Guilt" certainly had a lot to say when Madelynn's daycare teachers admitted that she had taken her first steps while I was working. Every night when I finally got Madelynn to sleep, finished cleaning the kitchen, read the latest counseling journal, and collapsed on the couch, "Mommy Guilt" would snuggle up next to me and sweetly say "shouldn't you spend some quality time with your husband instead of crashing?" Finally, before I fell asleep each night, "Mommy Guilt" would whisper in my ear, "you know the only way you will ever be a good mother is if you quit your job and stay home with Madelynn."
So now I'm a stay-at-home mom with not one, but two daughters. The thing is, though, "Mommy Guilt" stays home with me. These days I experience it less as a drive-by-shooter and more as a constant running commentator. Now it sounds something like this:
"Did you spend all of that time and money on a Master's degree just so you could clean the kitchen and play Candy Land all day? And how is it that you don't even do those things very well? Can you concentrate on nothing? Look at this mess! A good mom would clean more and play less. Also, a good mom would clean less and play more. Also a good mom would clean more and play more and quit emailing or facebooking or blogging altogether. Additionally, I've been meaning to ask if you're sure you feel comfortable spending so much money when you don't even make any. Moreover, when was the last time you did any volunteer work? What about exercising - shouldn't you be setting an example for your kids by eating right and exercising? What kind of stay at home mom doesn't go to library story time regularly or know how to make a good meatloaf? Furthermore, nobody in this house appreciates you." My favorite, though, is that when I finally do sit down, concentrate on one of my kids, and read a few books all the way through, instead of saying "Good job!" "Mommy Guilt" says, "See how happy your daughter is? You're home all day - why don't you do this more often?" Of course, before I go to sleep every night she whispers, "you know, maybe you would be a better woman if you just got out of this house and got a job."
"Mommy Guilt" is like that scene from the movie Liar Liar in which Jim Carrey enters a bathroom, throws himself against the walls, slams his head into the toilet, and rubs soap into his eyes. When a confused observer asks what on earth he's doing he says, "I WAS KICKIN' MY ASS! DO YA MIND?"
I understand the act of kicking one's own ass. I do it several times a day. What I don't understand is why some women insist on making everything worse by kicking each other's asses. Don't we do this to ourselves enough?
To the women who argue vehemently that all "good mothers" stay at home: Are you insane? If you got your way, who would show my daughters that some women actually change out of yoga pants and into scrubs and police uniforms and power suits each day? How would my girls even know that women who don't feel like carrying diaper bags can carry briefcases or stethoscopes instead? How, pray tell, could I tell them with a straight face that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be?
To the women who argue that all stay home mothers damage women's liberation: Are you insane? Aren't you causing some damage to women's liberation by suggesting that we all must fit into a category, that women are a cause instead of individuals? Doesn't choosing to spend your limited time and energy attacking "us" set "us" back? For argument's sake, though, what if you got your way and every mother was required to work outside of the home? What would happen then? Who would volunteer to help coach my daughters' cheerleading squads, host their class parties, go on field trips or wait with them in the parking lot when I am running late to pick them up? Who would watch my older daughter while the baby gets her shots? Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my car are open, and/or my purse is in the driveway? If every woman made the same decision, how would my daughters learn that sometimes motherhood looks like going to work to put food on the table or stay sane or share your gifts or because you want to work and you've earned that right; that other times motherhood looks like staying home for all of the exact same reasons.
I believe that no matter what decision a woman makes, she is offering an invaluable gift to my daughters and to me. So I would like to thank all of you because I am not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I am trying to raise a woman - and there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.
So, angry, debating women out there, here's the thing: my daughters are watching me AND YOU to learn what it means to be a woman. I would like them to learn that a woman's value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different from them. I would like them to learn that their strength is defined by their character and their ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to hiding their insecurities behind generalizations or accusations. I would like them to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to embrace the endless definitions of the word WOMAN - and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging. Really - being a woman is not that easy, and it's not that hard. I also feel the need to note that usually when someone yells about how much peace they have with their decisions, it just doesn't ring true. The thing is, if someone is yelling, I don't believe that they have it all figured out. I don't even believe that THEY believe that they have it all figured out. I think the truth might be that they are as internally conflicted as the rest of us about their choices, but instead of kicking their own asses, they have decided it would be easier to kick ours.
Which is tempting, but not too productive or healthy.
So, maybe instead of tearing each other up, we could each admit that we are a bit torn up about our choices, or lack thereof, and we could offer each other a shoulder or a hand. Then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be a woman.
Peace, love, and (((HUGS)))
I have been both a "working" and a "stay-at-home" mom and therefore, I have experienced both sides of the debate that moms endure all day, every day, both in the world and inside their own heads. As someone who strongly believes that women should be empowering and supporting one another, regardless of choices, I felt compelled to comment on this great debate here.
When I worked outside of my home, "Mommy Guilt" rode shotgun with me each morning, chiding me for dropping off my daughter at daycare instead of keeping her at home, and for rocking her the night before instead of preparing for work. When I got to work each day, "Mommy Guilt" whispered that a good mom would still be at home with her daughter, and when I returned home in the evening, she'd insist that a better Counselor would have stayed at work longer. When I would talk to girlfriends who stayed home, "Mommy Guilt" would say, "See this lady is doing it right. Her kids are better off than yours are." "Mommy Guilt" certainly had a lot to say when Madelynn's daycare teachers admitted that she had taken her first steps while I was working. Every night when I finally got Madelynn to sleep, finished cleaning the kitchen, read the latest counseling journal, and collapsed on the couch, "Mommy Guilt" would snuggle up next to me and sweetly say "shouldn't you spend some quality time with your husband instead of crashing?" Finally, before I fell asleep each night, "Mommy Guilt" would whisper in my ear, "you know the only way you will ever be a good mother is if you quit your job and stay home with Madelynn."
So now I'm a stay-at-home mom with not one, but two daughters. The thing is, though, "Mommy Guilt" stays home with me. These days I experience it less as a drive-by-shooter and more as a constant running commentator. Now it sounds something like this:
"Did you spend all of that time and money on a Master's degree just so you could clean the kitchen and play Candy Land all day? And how is it that you don't even do those things very well? Can you concentrate on nothing? Look at this mess! A good mom would clean more and play less. Also, a good mom would clean less and play more. Also a good mom would clean more and play more and quit emailing or facebooking or blogging altogether. Additionally, I've been meaning to ask if you're sure you feel comfortable spending so much money when you don't even make any. Moreover, when was the last time you did any volunteer work? What about exercising - shouldn't you be setting an example for your kids by eating right and exercising? What kind of stay at home mom doesn't go to library story time regularly or know how to make a good meatloaf? Furthermore, nobody in this house appreciates you." My favorite, though, is that when I finally do sit down, concentrate on one of my kids, and read a few books all the way through, instead of saying "Good job!" "Mommy Guilt" says, "See how happy your daughter is? You're home all day - why don't you do this more often?" Of course, before I go to sleep every night she whispers, "you know, maybe you would be a better woman if you just got out of this house and got a job."
"Mommy Guilt" is like that scene from the movie Liar Liar in which Jim Carrey enters a bathroom, throws himself against the walls, slams his head into the toilet, and rubs soap into his eyes. When a confused observer asks what on earth he's doing he says, "I WAS KICKIN' MY ASS! DO YA MIND?"
I understand the act of kicking one's own ass. I do it several times a day. What I don't understand is why some women insist on making everything worse by kicking each other's asses. Don't we do this to ourselves enough?
To the women who argue vehemently that all "good mothers" stay at home: Are you insane? If you got your way, who would show my daughters that some women actually change out of yoga pants and into scrubs and police uniforms and power suits each day? How would my girls even know that women who don't feel like carrying diaper bags can carry briefcases or stethoscopes instead? How, pray tell, could I tell them with a straight face that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be?
To the women who argue that all stay home mothers damage women's liberation: Are you insane? Aren't you causing some damage to women's liberation by suggesting that we all must fit into a category, that women are a cause instead of individuals? Doesn't choosing to spend your limited time and energy attacking "us" set "us" back? For argument's sake, though, what if you got your way and every mother was required to work outside of the home? What would happen then? Who would volunteer to help coach my daughters' cheerleading squads, host their class parties, go on field trips or wait with them in the parking lot when I am running late to pick them up? Who would watch my older daughter while the baby gets her shots? Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my car are open, and/or my purse is in the driveway? If every woman made the same decision, how would my daughters learn that sometimes motherhood looks like going to work to put food on the table or stay sane or share your gifts or because you want to work and you've earned that right; that other times motherhood looks like staying home for all of the exact same reasons.
I believe that no matter what decision a woman makes, she is offering an invaluable gift to my daughters and to me. So I would like to thank all of you because I am not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I am trying to raise a woman - and there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.
So, angry, debating women out there, here's the thing: my daughters are watching me AND YOU to learn what it means to be a woman. I would like them to learn that a woman's value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different from them. I would like them to learn that their strength is defined by their character and their ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to hiding their insecurities behind generalizations or accusations. I would like them to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to embrace the endless definitions of the word WOMAN - and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging. Really - being a woman is not that easy, and it's not that hard. I also feel the need to note that usually when someone yells about how much peace they have with their decisions, it just doesn't ring true. The thing is, if someone is yelling, I don't believe that they have it all figured out. I don't even believe that THEY believe that they have it all figured out. I think the truth might be that they are as internally conflicted as the rest of us about their choices, but instead of kicking their own asses, they have decided it would be easier to kick ours.
Which is tempting, but not too productive or healthy.
So, maybe instead of tearing each other up, we could each admit that we are a bit torn up about our choices, or lack thereof, and we could offer each other a shoulder or a hand. Then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be a woman.
Peace, love, and (((HUGS)))
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