Too Much?

With Christmas weeks past and resolutions made (sort of), I have had minute or two to reflect on the holiday season.  From Thanksgiving to New Year's day, life is hectic, to say the least.  There's food to make and consume, weight to gain, parties to attend, shopping to do, gifts to wrap and give - people to see and things to do.  When it is all said and done I like to sit back and reflect on the whirlwind that just passed.  As I am reflecting, this year I am almost painfully aware of the over-abundance.  Maybe it is because we are currently renting a house (while our new house is under construction) that is much smaller than anything we have ever lived in (since we have had children, that is).  We are crammed in like sardines and there is stuff, particularly lots of pink girlie stuff, everywhere.  Minnie Mouse and Barbie take up more space right now than the Hubs and I combined.  I'd like to think, though, that it's not just the size of our humble abode right now (and that in and of itself is a problem as I tell myself and my kids that it is not the size or quality of the home but the people - residents and guests - within that matters).  I'd like to think that my growing relationship with Jesus is changing my perspective.

My little family attended four large family Christmas gatherings where my children were showered with gifts.  Then, of course, there were gifts at home from each other and from Santa Clause.  The money spent on my children (and on the Hubs and me) combined is outrageous, likely well into the thousands, and the paper, bags, and bows that are simply torn up and thrown away resembles a small mountain.  After Santa Clause had arrived at our house, the Hubs and I sat looking at the small arrangements for each of our girls and we briefly had a moment of ............. well I'm not sure how to describe the feeling ............... sort of a sad-angry-jealous-bitter-shameful-ish feeling.  Santa had spent quite a bit of his hard earned and often hard to find cash on these precious girls, but the results looked pretty pitiful, especially next to the stash that the girls had already received elsewhere that was still stacked and creeping out of our dining area.  In my mind, Santa is supposed to be the best - the top present-giver, and so my heart hurt that he had been outdone again.  After a few minutes of self-pity, I then felt frustrated and angry at myself for thinking this way.  What I clearly realize above all of this is that my heart is really hurting because Christmas has become a gift-giving frenzy - more, more, more, MORE - and this is not what I want Christmas to mean for my daughters.

Now people please listen, before anyone gets angry and shoots me a message, I am very grateful that my children have so many people who love them and want to lavish them with gifts.  I feel so blessed that I wouldn't have to spend a single penny and my girls would have everything they could imagine in the way of toys and clothes.  I don't want anyone to get the idea that I am not thankful because I really, truly am.  Here's the thing, though.  I am afraid that in the midst of the party-going, food-consuming, gift-giving extravaganza, we have lost the true meaning of Christmas.  Sure, we all give lip service to Christmas being all about Jesus' birthday and spending time with the people we love, but I wonder if we look deep within ourselves, though, if our actions match our words. 

The Hubs and I tried really hard to make Jesus' birthday and giving to others our focus this year.  We spent a lot of time at church and in prayer, we made tons of crafts that we gave to people, and the girls and I had a "random acts of kindness day" where we did things like sticking change on drink machines, leaving small gifts for service people, and collecting shopping carts at the supermarket so that the store employees wouldn't have to go out in the cold and do it - small things that made people's day (which is something we want to continue year round).  But there we were on Christmas Eve, staring at the gifts we had for our girls, and feeling inadequate.  There is something seriously wrong with this picture!  Christmas should be about joy and love and the innocence of childhood and the birth of our Savior, not the amount of presents under a drooping tree!

So what in the world am I supposed to do about this?  Now it feels so much bigger than me and it resembles a freight train speeding down a mountain with no brakes - and I don't like where it is heading.  Do I have a heart to heart conversation with the family and ask them to limit their gifts and extravagance?  I don't want to take their joy away but maybe that's the whole problem.  Maybe we as a family need to create a new kind of joy through traditions that do not involve 5 million gifts that get lost or broken and forgotten by the end of January.  Maybe Christmas should become more about exchanging a few gifts (i.e. the rule of three - something they need, something they wear, and something they want) and then spending the rest of our time and resources truly enjoying one another and serving others.  Maybe Christmas should become more about going together to volunteer, to see Christmas lights and live Nativities, and to watch Christmas parades and shows.  After all, as I look back on my childhood, these are the things that I remember and that warm my heart, more than the gifts.

I know that I do not know it all and I certainly do not want to take away anyone's enjoyment of the holidays.  I love Christmas!  I love the colors, the lights, the decorations, the weather, the family time, and of course the true meaning of the whole shindig!  The Christmas season is my favorite time of year!  This year I just felt a little like Cindy Lou Who in Jim Carey's version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  I was left wondering "where are you Christmas" and I have concluded that "maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas - perhaps - means a little bit more".

Happy New Year!

Happy 2013 everyone!  Another year has passed and I have to admit that I'm not exactly sad to see 2012 go.  While I am grateful for each and every moment that I have on this earth, 2012 was full of challenges that kept me riding on a roller coaster of emotions.  With Isabella's multiple illnesses and stint in the PICU, the very sudden and unexpected death of my grandfather, a move, Madelynn starting school, a personal cancer scare, and more, there was much in 2012 that threw me for a loop.  I must admit, though, that there were also many, many joys and blessings, not the least of which was our finding NewSpring church and my beginning a real relationship with Jesus.  Really, I am grateful for the challenges I faced early in the year because, essentially, those were the things that opened my eyes and led me to seek out a church and, subsequently, my salvation.

Every new year, I join millions of folks and make some resolution that is typically broken within a few weeks.  This year, I am not making a specific resolution, but I am praying for health - spiritual, relational, financial, physical, emotional health.  I am praying for a growing relationship with God - that I find and make the time to intentionally spend with Him every day.  I am praying for a better relationship with my husband, my children, my family, and my friends - that God will form me into the wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, daughter-in law, friend that He intends for me to be.  I pray, not for wealth and riches, but merely for financial security so that my girls will never have to wonder if they will have what they need.  I pray that I will get a handle on my overall health, and while I would like to lose some weight, I really just want to feel better.  I pray that by trusting God, I will be further released from my anxiety, PTSD, anger, and depression - that I will have more of a feeling of peace in my heart and soul.

To all of you, my dear friends and family, I pray for all of you, too.  That you will all have a healthy, safe, happy, and prosperous 2013.  May God bless you and your family this year and always.