Broken Plate

I know......I'm sorry........It has been forever since I have posted.  Things have been hectic, as life often is, and this just hasn't been a priority.  I have lots to catch you up on but first I must write about something that has been weighing on my heart and mind.  God gave me a sort of wake-up call the other day.  First a bit of background.  I have been struggling a bit, as usual, with my Type A control issues and my fighting to let go of that has stirred up a bit of anger, which is sort of a new feeling for me.  Grief, sadness, depression, hurt, anxiety I know well, but real anger has always been something I push down and don't allow myself to feel, for whatever reason.  I suppose lately it is catching up with me because nearly everything has surfaced as anger and I have caught myself "losing it" far too often.

Anyway, a few days ago I was diligently scrubbing away at some dishes when suddenly a loud crash startled me from a few feet away.  I turned to see Isabella sitting on the floor wailing with fright in the midst of about a million shards of broken ceramic.  As i carefully picked her up I immediately noticed what the now shards previously were, and I felt a sense of panic and anger knowing that one of my great-grandmother's heirloom plates was beyond repair.  The plate had been one that I received when "Nanny" had passed away and it had been very special to me.  

I tried not to think about the loss, to push my anger aside, as I examined Isabella for any sign of injury.  Seeing that she was fine, I cuddled her until she stopped crying, and then began to clean up the mess.

Madelynn, who had come running at the sound of the crash, looked at me with anxious eyes.

"Mommy, I'm sorry about your plate," she said.  She knew well about Nanny's plates.  "Are you sad?"

"Yes I am sad," I answered.  In a tense sort of quiet, she and I cleaned up what was left of the plate.

"Mommy are you mad," Madelynn asked after a minute, almost in a whisper,

I stopped what I was doing and reflected on my answer.  No, Isabella should not have been playing and pulling up on the curio, but she was not being disobedient.  After all, she is only 1 and does not know better.  By the look on Madelynn's face and the anxiety I was feeling from Isabella, I wondered how often lately I had not stopped to think and had yelled at them unnecessarily.  I felt God's gentle presence and a reminder to breathe.
  
"No baby I'm not mad," I said with a loud sigh.  "She didn't mean to do it.  Yes I am sad that my plate is broken but I'm glad baby sissy wasn't hurt."  I looked at both of my precious girls and thought about how much they mean to me.  "I want you both to know that you are more important to me than anything in this house.  You are far more important to me than that plate.  I love you both so much!"  I gave them both huge hugs and soon they both went off to play.  How different things would have been if I had started yelling and screaming at Isabella!  I would have crushed her little spirit and I would have taught Madelynn that when you make a mistake, you deserve to be yelled at and treated harshly.  If I had taught her that, I would have taught her the exact opposite of what our Father God has taught us.  Our sins against God were/are much worse than the innocent mistake that Isabella had made but instead of screaming and yelling at us, God came down and cleaned up our mess Himself!  Just as Isabella was incapable of cleaning up her mess, so are we incapable of erasing the sin from our lives.  We had taken the beautiful life that He gave us, shattered it into a million irreparable pieces, and then sat anxious and wailing in the middle of our mess.  Our gracious and merciful God lifted us out of the debris and held us close, reminding us of just how important we are to Him and how much He loves us.

There is one important difference between what God did and what I was able to do.  I wasn't able to repair my plate.  I had to sadly gather up all of the pieces and throw them away, sending up an apology to my Nanny.  God didn't throw anything away.  Instead, He took all of the tiny broken pieces and remade a new plate, more lovely than the original.  He took the mess and created something beautiful from it - something that is fabulous, even though there are cracks and blemishes, because those blemishes show where God's healing love repaired us.

I am so thankful that I am no longer a broken plate!  I might not look the same as I would if I had no sin in me or if there were no sin and ugliness in the world, but I try hard not to see my repaired places as imperfections, but as beautiful illustrations of God's amazing power to heal and restore.  God is not angry with us.  His anger disappeared when His Son Jesus died on the cross for us.  Instead of punishing us He wraps us in His loving arms and says, "You are far more important to me than the mess you have made of things and I love you."