On the great debate

I have always been intrigued by the great debate between women who believe that mothers should stay home and women who believe that mothers should work outside of the home.  Women on both sides are so passionate and the debate often becomes quite heated, even vicious, even among friends. 

I have been both a "working" and a "stay-at-home" mom and therefore, I have experienced both sides of the debate that moms endure all day, every day, both in the world and inside their own heads.  As someone who strongly believes that women should be empowering and supporting one another, regardless of choices, I felt compelled to comment on this great debate here. 

When I worked outside of my home, "Mommy Guilt" rode shotgun with me each morning, chiding me for dropping off my daughter at daycare instead of keeping her at home, and for rocking her the night before instead of preparing for work. When I got to work each day, "Mommy Guilt" whispered that a good mom would still be at home with her daughter, and when I returned home in the evening, she'd insist that a better Counselor would have stayed at work longer. When I would talk to girlfriends who stayed home, "Mommy Guilt" would say, "See this lady is doing it right. Her kids are better off than yours are." "Mommy Guilt" certainly had a lot to say when Madelynn's daycare teachers admitted that she had taken her first steps while I was working. Every night when I finally got Madelynn to sleep, finished cleaning the kitchen, read the latest counseling journal, and collapsed on the couch, "Mommy Guilt" would snuggle up next to me and sweetly say "shouldn't you spend some quality time with your husband instead of crashing?" Finally, before I fell asleep each night, "Mommy Guilt" would whisper in my ear, "you know the only way you will ever be a good mother is if you quit your job and stay home with Madelynn."

So now I'm a stay-at-home mom with not one, but two daughters. The thing is, though, "Mommy Guilt" stays home with me. These days I experience it less as a drive-by-shooter and more as a constant running commentator. Now it sounds something like this:
"Did you spend all of that time and money on a Master's degree just so you could clean the kitchen and play Candy Land all day? And how is it that you don't even do those things very well? Can you concentrate on nothing? Look at this mess! A good mom would clean more and play less. Also, a good mom would clean less and play more. Also a good mom would clean more and play more and quit emailing or facebooking or blogging altogether. Additionally, I've been meaning to ask if you're sure you feel comfortable spending so much money when you don't even make any. Moreover, when was the last time you did any volunteer work? What about exercising - shouldn't you be setting an example for your kids by eating right and exercising?  What kind of stay at home mom doesn't go to library story time regularly or know how to make a good meatloaf? Furthermore, nobody in this house appreciates you."  My favorite, though, is that when I finally do sit down, concentrate on one of my kids, and read a few books all the way through, instead of saying "Good job!" "Mommy Guilt" says, "See how happy your daughter is? You're home all day - why don't you do this more often?"  Of course, before I go to sleep every night she whispers, "you know, maybe you would be a better woman if you just got out of this house and got a job."

"Mommy Guilt" is like that scene from the movie Liar Liar in which Jim Carrey enters a bathroom, throws himself against the walls, slams his head into the toilet, and rubs soap into his eyes. When a confused observer asks what on earth he's doing he says, "I WAS KICKIN' MY ASS! DO YA MIND?"
I understand the act of kicking one's own ass. I do it several times a day.  What I don't understand is why some women insist on making everything worse by kicking each other's asses.  Don't we do this to ourselves enough?

To the women who argue vehemently that all "good mothers" stay at home: Are you insane? If you got your way, who would show my daughters that some women actually change out of yoga pants and into scrubs and police uniforms and power suits each day? How would my girls even know that women who don't feel like carrying diaper bags can carry briefcases or stethoscopes instead?  How, pray tell, could I tell them with a straight face that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be?

To the women who argue that all stay home mothers damage women's liberation: Are you insane? Aren't you causing some damage to women's liberation by suggesting that we all must fit into a category, that women are a cause instead of individuals? Doesn't choosing to spend your limited time and energy attacking "us" set "us" back? For argument's sake, though, what if you got your way and every mother was required to work outside of the home? What would happen then? Who would volunteer to help coach my daughters' cheerleading squads, host their class parties, go on field trips or wait with them in the parking lot when I am running late to pick them up? Who would watch my older daughter while the baby gets her shots? Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my car are open, and/or my purse is in the driveway?  If every woman made the same decision, how would my daughters learn that sometimes motherhood looks like going to work to put food on the table or stay sane or share your gifts or because you want to work and you've earned that right; that other times motherhood looks like staying home for all of the exact same reasons.

I believe that no matter what decision a woman makes, she is offering an invaluable gift to my daughters and to me. So I would like to thank all of you because I am not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I am trying to raise a woman - and there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.

So, angry, debating women out there, here's the thing: my daughters are watching me AND YOU to learn what it means to be a woman. I would like them to learn that a woman's value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different from them. I would like them to learn that their strength is defined by their character and their ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to hiding their insecurities behind generalizations or accusations. I would like them to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to embrace the endless definitions of the word WOMAN - and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging.  Really - being a woman is not that easy, and it's not that hard.  I also feel the need to note that usually when someone yells about how much peace they have with their decisions, it just doesn't ring true. The thing is, if someone is yelling, I don't believe that they have it all figured out. I don't even believe that THEY believe that they have it all figured out. I think the truth might be that they are as internally conflicted as the rest of us about their choices, but instead of kicking their own asses, they have decided it would be easier to kick ours.

Which is tempting, but not too productive or healthy.

So, maybe instead of tearing each other up, we could each admit that we are a bit torn up about our choices, or lack thereof, and we could offer each other a shoulder or a hand.  Then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be a woman.

Peace, love, and (((HUGS)))